Ok so ready for a story- sorry just started and couldn’t stop! I’m a 30 yo woman and my husband is 32 we’ve been together since I was 19 and had an abortion when we first got together... In the last 4 years we’ve had one miscarriage, 2 ectopics left and right - one ruptured and the other surgically removed - so at 29 I had no tubes and we were thrown into the IVF world. We’ve had one private cycle no transfer and two hysteroscopies. I have uterine adhesions as we found out. Could be from abortion/miscarriage/d&c/unknown infection.... I have only just realised I’ve been angry and grieving for all of our babies and my fertility ever since we found out we cannot ever concieve naturally. In the last year I have been trying to cope and focus on other things while going through further rounds publicly. I changed jobs, were renovating and bought a puppy. I love my husband and my life but I need to let it out about how hard the grief can hit you and how hard it is to build hope timeand time again! I was probably the most ready I’ve ever been for a cycle about 2 weeks ago when I rang the clinic to let them know my day one had arrived. They then rang back (voicemail again) to tell me that because my period was a week late I’ve been cancelled and to hold onto my drugs for next month... and so I crashed again. I’m now about 2 weeks away from my next period and am trying to build hope that this cycle is the one... how does everyone prepare for hope or grief?!!! I think I’m ok but constantly feel like I have these nerves and underlying stress that is doing more damage than good.... I do yoga and walks, healthy eating and gym etc.... Just had a thought (writing makes me feel better) I’m gonna go for a swim tomorrow. Hopefully something will settle but definately feeling those pre ivf nerves kick in. Just gotta slow down and take deep breaths... love and warm hugs to everyone struggling - thanks for reading.... now time for that all important sleep. Happy to answer any questions xxx sally