Hi. I'm new here. I am 41 turning 42 next year, me and my husband have been trying to conceive since April this year and still nothing. We finally went to fertility associates and discovered my egg are few and the quality not great, I was devastated (you when you think to yourself this can't happen to me, that was me)but everything else was good for me and good for my husband. I was given a prescription for clomiphene. I'm really considering not getting them at all because firstly I'm a very negative person and I doubt they will work which I think would be a waste of money. Secondly I'm worried about my age the the chances of something being wrong with the baby are significantly higher. Thirdly we have been on an emotional roller-coaster ride for the past couple of months. I'm beyond emotional and moody, we've even had arguments and fights, which we're tired of.

In January /February we are considering going with an egg donor. But at the moment this is very hard for me as I'm devastated it won't be my child genetically. It really seems to bother me that the baby will be my husbands and not mine. I've even been reading forums with other ladies stories and they made me feel 100%. Family isn't about blood. But on the odd occasion I'll think to myself how our son/daughter won't look anything like me or even have a piece of my personality. I'm coming to terms with it and I'm getting there. It's really important for us because we both would love to have another baby in the house. I did forget to mention that we have 3 biological children together. Never had trouble carrying or conceiving them. We just decided too late to have a 4th one.

I am scared that when the time comes there will be a shortage of egg donors or the whole process will fail. We barely have the finances for the first process and the 2nd one I doubt will even happen. We don't want to get a donation from someone we know as that would just be plain weird. We are doing this next year because we want our kids to have a good Christmas and my sons school camp is coming up.

I also need to mention that I am not a small woman and am currently on a diet. I've lost a lot of weight and hope to lose more before we do what we have to. Please don't think we are ungrateful for our kids. We are not, we are truly blessed and just wanted one more. I really hope when the time comes we will be able to find a well suited egg donor.

Thank you for letting me rant and rave and I'm sorry for this huge essay but I just needed to get it out. It's hard most times.